A month and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. We were overjoyed, filled with excitement and somewhat shocked. After years of trying to conceive with our first daughter, I had my reservations and concerns about getting pregnant again. I wondered how long it would take, if it would even happen. This time things happened quickly and the relief was overwhelming. We told family and the excitement was loud and joyous. Long term plans were re-adjusted, some cancellations made, we started planning for our new and exciting future.
Then easter weekend came and so did the bleeding. I spent the weekend in and out of emerg trying to get answers and confirmation on what was happening. I knew. I knew before we even made the first call to the doctor, before we even got to the waiting room.
Being in this field and working with fertility clients in the past, I knew and understood how and why these things happen. I get the logistics. It’s the grief, the sadness and all the emotions that I didn’t fully grasp until I experienced it. How can you?
I took the week off work. I avoided going out in public in fear of being asked “How was your Easter weekend?” I spent a few days on the couch numbing myself with tv and just experiencing the grief, the tears and all that comes with it.
If this had been a few years ago, even one year ago maybe, this experience would have destroyed me. I would likely still be on that couch unsure of myself, mad at my body, feeling like a failure, letting the depression set in. But I have dedicated so much of the last little while of my life to really getting to know me. Getting raw, learning self awareness, finding gratitude.
This has changed my life. Miscarriage is no joke. The grief is real. The loss is real. The hurt is real. But maybe for the first time really in my life I’ve been able to see so much positivity (and believe it) through this experience. I was able to give in to my body’s needs of rest, letting the tears flow and really feeling the emotions, not trying to shove them back down due to shame. I cancelled things (more then once) last minute because that was the right decision and I quit worrying about disappointing others.
Although I certainly don’t wish to go through this again, I’m thankful for the experience in that it has taught me really how insanely wonderful my community is (friends, family, clients, neighbours, my husband, etc) Honestly, I’ve cried numerous times due to the overwhelm of kindness from these wonderful people.
It has taught me that for the first time I really do trust my body and know that it made the right choice even if it hurts. It has taught me that this time around I can get pregnant and this journey will not be the same as before. This is a HUGE relief. It has been a wonderful reminder of just how incredible my daughter is and how lucky we are to have her. That her stubbornness and strong will is likely what brought her to us in the first place
This miscarriage has rocked me but I am thankful for it.
I’ve learned just how strong I am and that no matter the situation that life throws at me, I will get through it. I have learned stress management. I have learned strength, resilience, love. And that there is joy on the other side of grief. Life is going to throw you shit, who are you going to be when it’s over? What choices are you going to make?
1 in 6 couples struggle with fertility.
1 in 4 pregnancies don’t make it.
You are not alone. If you want to talk, email me. If you are ready to start changing your life, start building resilience, and finding gratitude and joy message me. Let’s talk.